“What ? You are leaving ?”, asked John in surprise.
“Yes, in… a week”, I replied.
“But… but, why ?”, John asked.
I did not know how to answer him. I was just standing there, stunned by his sorrowful voice.
Finally, I murmured, “I’m sorry”.
“No way,” John ran away, his figure faded away and lost in the shadow of the night.
John and I had been friends for more than 5 years. We used to be neighbors and used to be classmates. Whatever that we did, from playing sports to study, we did together. To me, he was the kindest boy ever. He was like a brother of mine and I knew that he had the same feeling towards me.
There was one occasion that I could never forget. It was a rainy day and I had to stay back in school alone to prepare for our class festival. When I was too tired that I was thinking of giving up, out of the blue, he came and helped me. I could remember how surprise and thankful I was.
Then, one day, I came and told him that I was going to leave for US, he was shocked. He and I had a promise that we would study in the same university. Unfortunately, my parents had chosen another journey for me; and I could not hesitate.
To my surprise, he avoided to see me since then. I though that we could have at least one last week together, but there was no way for me to contact him. It was like he had vanished.
Those days were really hard for me. I thought that he was angry with me, with my unexpected trip.I did not even have a chance to go out with him once.
I waited silently for the day to come, the day that I will have to leave my hometown, my family and my firends behind. People came, people left, leaving gifts, hugs and tears behind for me. None of them was John, the person that I wanted to see the most, I just wanted to say sorry to him. Where did he go, what he had done, I was clueless.
Then that day came in grey. I had not seen him for a week. It felt like a century with me.
Things never follow the way that you think. Just right after I left the car that took me to the airport, I heard a voice behind me, calling my name. I glanced back, the voice was too familiar to me. I was him. I was surprised, or, in a away, excited to see him. Gently, he gave me a notebook and a pair of colourful figurines.
“I am sorry for not seeing you earlier,” he said, “ But I wanted to do something for you, and it took all my times,” he looked at his gifts, “I was angry with you, but now the feeling is gone. I made the figurines myself. They represent you and I. They can not be separated because they have a string that tie their heart together. I hope that you won’t forget me when you are in US. Take care and study well. I will miss you very much, bro.”
It was until then that I knew boys can cry. He cried. I was lost for words. I feft a terrible saddness inside my heart. It was like a knife that stab nonstop into my heart. It started to rain. I can taste the bitter of each drop on my face. I can not tell if they are my tears or the droplets of the rain.
The plane took of its wings carrying me and leaving John behind. However, it could not separate our soul. I opened his notebook. There were full of colourful pictures of us. There were funny, stupid notes about us written by our friend. There was a note written by him : Friends forever.
1) “No way,” John ran away, his figure faded away and lost in the shadow of the night.”
-Repetition of away and missing predicate. Suggestion:
““No way,” John ran away. His figure faded and was lost in the shadow of the night.
2)”We used to be neighbors and used to be classmates.”
Tense
You still are neighbours and classmates at the moment in the essay, right- you haven’t moved away then.
“We were neighbours and classmates then”
3)”He was like a brother of mine and I knew that he had the same feeling towards me.”
Clumsy expression. Can be more succint
“He was like a brother to me and I knew he treated me the same way”
4)”There was one occasion that I could never forget.”
Use ‘WOULD’ instead of’COULD’; ‘COULD’ implies you tried to forget but couldn’t
5)”When I was too tired that I was thinking of giving up, out of the blue, he came and helped me. I could remember how surprise and thankful I was.”
Grammar and expression
- First tell us what exactly you were doing
- Suggested revision “When I was so tired that I thought of giving up, John appeared out of the blue to come and help me”
- Tense: surpised instead of surprise
6)”Then, one day, I came and told him that I was going to leave for US, he was shocked.”
-In this case, it is not ‘one day’– it is a specific day so you should not be ambiguous about it as you introduce the reader to it right in the beginning
Suggested revision- “Then came THE day when I told him I was going to leave for the US. He was shocked.”
7)”He and I had a promise that we would study in the same university.”
-He and I= We, right?
so “We had made a promise that we would study TOGETHER and enroll in the same university…..”
8)”Unfortunately, my parents had chosen another journey for me; and I could not hesitate.”
-leave out the ; — it is not necessary here
-’hesitate’ is that a right expression? or do you mean you could not object to that decision? hmmmmm….
9)”To my surprise, he avoided to see me since then. I though that we could have at least one last week together, but there was no way for me to contact him. It was like he had vanished.”
-Grammar and expression “To my surprise, he had avoided me since then”
-Spelling. “I THOUGHT that we could”
10) “Those days were really hard for me. I thought that he was angry with me, with my unexpected trip.”
Punctuation- leave out comma after angry with me. Not necessary
11)”I waited silently for the day to come, the day that I will have to leave my hometown, my family and my firends behind.”
Punctuation-”I waited silently for the day to come- the day that I WOULD have to leave my hometown, family and friends behind.”
12)
“People came, people left, leaving gifts, hugs and tears behind for me.
Punctuation- “People came, people left- leaving gifts, hugs and tears for me.”
13)”Where did he go, what he had done, I was clueless.”
Again punctuation and expression
-”Where did he go? What was he doing? I felt clueless.”
14)”Then that day came in grey.”
-Which day?
15)”Things never follow the way that you think.”
Be more specific in your expressions- ‘things, ‘think’ are very vague:
Suggested revision:
“Often things that happen to us in life catch us unaware”
“Often our expectations of things in life is very different from reality”
16)Just right after I left the car that took me to the airport, I heard a voice behind me, calling my name.
-”After I got off the car at the airport….
17)I glanced back, the voice was too familiar to me. I was him.
-You mean ‘It was him” right?
18)”I was surprised, or, in a away, excited to see him.”
What do you mean “or, in a away”
Be more specific in your emotions- even when they are mixed.
“I was surprised and maybe even a litted excited to see him here.”
19)“I am sorry for not seeing you earlier,” he said, “ But I wanted to do something for you, and it took all my times,” he looked at his gifts, “I was angry with you, but now the feeling is gone. I made the figurines myself. They represent you and I. They can not be separated because they have a string that tie their heart together. I hope that you won’t forget me when you are in US. Take care and study well. I will miss you very much, bro.”
- “,,,but now THAT feeling of anger is gone.”
-”…a string that TIES their HEARTS together”
20) It was until then that I knew boys can cry. He cried. I was lost for words.
Of course boys can cry- what is unexpected is the situation
“It was NOT until then that I knew boys would cry over seperation”
21)I feft a terrible saddness inside my heart. It was like a knife that stab nonstop into my heart. It started to rain. I can taste the bitter of each drop on my face. I can not tell if they are my tears or the droplets of the rain.
- “I FELT” spelling
- “Sadness” Spelling
-Tighten up your expression ” I felt a terrible sadness in my heart like it had been punctured by the non-stop stabbing of a knife.
-Keep your tenses consistent ” I COULD taste the BITTERNESS of each drop on my face. I COULD not tell if they WERE my tears or the rain drops falling.”
22)”The plane took of its wings carrying me and leaving John behind.
CLumsy expression- How can the plane take off its wings?
THe way you express makes it seem that the combined weight of you and john is too much for the plane to take off, so john is left behind and the wings of the plane taken off by the strain. Read the line again carefully and you’ll see what I mean
Less words may be more effective- “The plane took off with me on board. John was left behind”
23)”However, it could not separate our soul. I opened his notebook. There were full of colourful pictures of us. There were funny, stupid notes about us written by our friend. There was a note written by him : Friends forever.”
-Grammar and punctuation
“seperate our SOULS”
“THEY were full”
“Written by our FRIENDS”
General comments
- A bit off topic- you focus more on your leaving and the relationship between you and John rather than on why his behaviour is unexpected.
Actually, his behaviour turns out to be not that unexepcted
- You end with a bit of an anti-climax. Friends Forever is fine but what is so unexpected of John’s behaviour? You explain and provide a rational explanation for his cold treatment of you; therefore it is not that unexpected after all, right?
- What is likely to be unexpected to the reader is that the relationship and emotions shared between 2 close male friends seems too sentimental. You would expected 2 close girls to feel this way for each other, or maybe a boy and girl who are close to each other; but the tenderness and sentimentality seems awkard to describe to boys who are close as brothers.
You have some good images and are able to play around with time and perspective in your story but you need to be more focus in writing about your emotions and not get carried away with vague, complicated expressions.
Keep it up and I’m sure you’ll see a great improvement soon
Mr Siow
Omg… I made more mistakes than I thought.
Thank you for the comment sir.